I had been developing a deeper relationship with the wizard (what I call mushrooms) and was starting to navigate and understand the mushroom world really well. I think I had done 40 maybe 50 ceremonies at this point and never experienced a bad trip until this happened. Even though Im calling it a “bad trip” it was actually super healing, meaningful and beautiful. I had been collecting symbols and keys in my dreams and unlocking doors in the mushroom world. I painted a card, it was the devil from the tarot deck. (Side story: I am designing and painting a tarot deck) Devil is the card of the Capricorn. On this card I painted a crescent moon and myself looking into a portal with the devil inside and all you can see is his eyes. The symbols here were Capricorn, devil, crescent moon, me looking inside this portal. It was my birthday initiation I had been planning for years. I was turning 40, it was 4/20/2020 new moon and I had planned on being in the jungle with Ayhuasca medicine, but instead we got hit with Covid and my trip got canceled. I had saved these special mushrooms that were wild foraged from Mexico and were super strong. They were my favorite, I had been working with this particular mushroom a lot. I put the last bit of these mushrooms aside for my birthday since my jungle trip got canceled. As my birthday approached I lost interest in my birthday and didn’t care anymore. I planned to see my friend in Joshua Tree and it was about a week after my birthday. This is the same friend I did so many of my mushroom ceremonies with in Joshua tree. He was a man I loved, but we called each other friends because of our relationship issues and wounds. I brought the mushrooms I set aside with me to Joshua Tree on my visit to him and we planned a little ceremony. We made an alter, I shared my birthday mushrooms, we each ate 3.5 gm. I shared my Wizard playlist with him for the first time which I was dying for him to experience and we drank the mushrooms.
Within 5 minutes I was feeling them and it was strong. I knew this was going to be different because I was breathing heavy and my whole body was tingling. I asked him if he felt them yet and he said no. We layed down and something jumped into my body. I grasped for air and grabbed his arm in a panic and asked him to help. He seemed like he didn’t want to help me so I layed back down and tried to calm myself down and figure out what was going on. After a few minutes I sat up and asked for help again and my friend had turned into a different person, he was a completely different man that I didn’t know. I received a key and than I said oh now I understand and he said “I don’t think I know what your talking about”. I grabbed the key he gave me (which was not a real key, this was a key in mushroom world) and got up as I wanted to go to the bathroom. As I stood up I fell to the floor. This thing was inside me and he was occupying my body. I sat on the floor shaking my hands trying to understand these sensations in my body and get this thing out. I tried to stand up again and I couldn’t. I could barely crawl. Finally after sometime I have no idea it felt like 30 minutes I managed to stumble to the bathroom. I went to go pee and I looked out the window and there was the most beautiful crescent moon I ever saw. I called my friend to the bathroom and he came and we were both in awe of what we were looking at it was so magical outside. It seriously looked like a magic fantasy world of a sparkly crescent moon and the shiniest glistening colored stars and meteors. We sat there at the window together and then we separated. The energy started to get really weird probably because I had an entity inside me. My friend left the bathroom and I stayed there looking outside at the moon. As soon as my friend left, the entity was trying to choke me and I started screaming. I was screaming so loud like I was being murdered. After sometime my friend came into the bathroom and told me he didn’t want to interrupt what I was going though but that I was disturbing his trip. I was literally being choked by a demon (Im calling it a demon because it was not a nice entity) and he was concerned that I was interrupting his trip. Every time he came in the bathroom, not to help me but to tell me I’m being loud, selfish and rude, the demon stopped and as soon as he left the demon was attacking me and I was screaming. I literally could not stop or control what was happening but my friend thought that I could which made the whole experience even worse to not have someone there to help you and to think your making stuff up. He kept telling me to internalize it, to be quiet, to hold it in. Here I was facing the collective spirit of abusive raper men in my ancestral line who took away my grandmothers power and he’s telling me to internalize it. Between the demon trying to choke me I was meeting and seeing a lot of demons in the sky outside that looked like the one in my painting. My eyes were cross eyed did I mention. I was looking into some other portal through cross eyed vision. It was like I could see another realm through this strange thing my eyes were doing. My body was also doing weird stuff the whole time and I was breathing really loud. My stomach hurt so I unbuttoned my pants so here I am cross eyed, being attacked and choked by a demon with my pants undone.
My friend is a Capricorn. So I got the devil card I painted, the Capricorn player, the crescent moon and the demon all playing out in real time in mushrooms. So this experience left me tripped out after for a while, atleast a month. I felt like I had witnessed a real murder the next day. I felt terror and traumatized. And to make it worse, I had no one to comfort me, my friend did not understand the intention of having a circle, creating a safe space and he just made it about him.
But here is what I made of it:
When I started working with the Mexican strain of mushrooms my intention was always for healing. I was going deeper and deeper into the wounds so much that I was no longer in my wounds I was in the wounds of my ancestors. I come from rape. My great grandmother was gang raped by 14 teenage boys and she got pregnant. One of the boys stepped up to be the father but we still have no idea who the real father was. That “man” continued to rape my great grandmother, than he mollested all of his children, their children and any friends and neighbors he could get his hands on. My greatgrandmother committed suicide and left her babies with the monster. He ruined 3 generations of lives. Rape and mollest leaves a wound that trickles down through the lineage. Its a deep wound. It leaves you feeling unworthy, unloved, disposable, insecure, crippled and disfunctional. It effects your memory, your intimacy, your health, your mentality and your ability to function like a normal human. The effects are crippling and that’s why people do it, to cripple you. So this is where i went in my deep wound diving on psilocybin.
This “friend” of mine, the capricorn man in Joshua Tree I had bonded with very deep because almost all of our encounters, which were many, were on mushrooms. I met him in my dreams before I met him in the flesh. The night before he came to my home for the first time I had a dream about him, it was scene, we sat outside on my couch, we talked, we kissed, he gave me the most sensual massage, he flipped my body over and made love to me, I could smell him. The next night that scene played out exactly as it appeared in my dream and he left his very distinct smell in my bed that lasted for days. Ancestors told me there was someone I needed to meet and they brought me to him, thats how we met. Everytime we did mushrooms his ancestors were talking to me and guiding me to help him quit drinking alcohol. His ancestors came to my dreams and so did he. In my dreams I got to know his secrets because in the real world he had so many wounds, had a hard time talking, had a hard time getting close. So we had this connection but he was an alcoholic and was often drinking in our ceremonies and forgetting our deep conversations. It was like this thing happened between us and he wasn’t even present for it. Our wound bonding was we are both Native American, our ancestors are friends, we both have a grandfather that mollested and put deep wounds onto our family, we were both weird and we liked being together. Our relationship reminded me of the film my girl. He was my buddy and we were like kids together, playing in the dirt and talking about outerspace.
One time at his home under the stars we were in mushrooms standing in the dirt looking out into nothingness surrounded by the galaxy and I saw everything that would happen between us. A deep bond, and in the end a big pain. But the medicine was there, we had to go through it. I needed to heal this wound and he was the key! He literally was holding the key and the very thing I was healing, in the end, under his long hair, beard and tatted skin, was what he represented, my wound.
So even though I was fighting this demon and screaming and crying, I was not scared at any moment. I knew very well what this demon represented and what I had to do. It was like I was a warrior chic going to battle and I that’s what it felt like.
I spent 4 hours screaming, being choked and fighting him. He transformed into something different. That night I did big healing for my family. Maybe I could have held it in and internalized it but my grandmothers were screaming and I couldn’t suppress them any longer and how dare a man that I love, tell me to be quiet and internalize my pain, while in a ceremony, having a traumatizing trip. It was the end. The end of us and the end of these types of men not making us feel safe.
And just like that, we were strangers again…
Here is the card I painted before this experience and it played out in Mushrooms.